The Parenting Tightrope: Support vs Independence

As parents, we are often the first line of support when it comes to our children’s struggles—whether in school, extracurricular activities, or even navigating social situations. This is especially true for parents of neurodivergent children, who may face unique challenges that make it harder for them to build endurance and perseverance. These are qualities that come naturally to some children, but for neurodivergent students, these skills can be more difficult to develop, often due to earlier experiences of struggle and fewer opportunities for success.

The Struggles with Perseverance

Neurodivergent students, including those with ADHD, dyslexia, anxiety, and other learning differences, often face more hurdles than their peers when it comes to sticking with a task, staying motivated, and pushing through difficulties. Many of these children have faced repeated challenges in their academic and personal lives, sometimes from a very young age. Early academic struggles can diminish their confidence and leave them feeling defeated before they even get started. When a child has consistently faced setbacks without experiencing many successes, it becomes harder for them to develop the persistence needed to push through challenges.

For example, a child with ADHD may become easily distracted or may not have the organizational skills to tackle assignments in a way that allows them to complete them successfully. Over time, these repeated challenges can lead to a lack of perseverance because they may come to believe that effort is futile. Similarly, a child with dyslexia might feel discouraged when they constantly struggle with reading, making it difficult for them to see the value of trying again and again.

The Instinct to Protect: A Double-Edged Sword

As parents, our natural instinct is to protect our children from pain and disappointment. We want to shelter them from failure and ensure that their lives are as smooth and stress-free as possible. It’s difficult to watch our kids struggle, especially when we know how hard they’re working or how much they’re putting into something. However, while it’s important to provide emotional support and offer encouragement, shielding our children too much from failure can actually hinder their ability to build resilience.

The challenge lies in finding a balance. If we constantly swoop in to solve problems for them or prevent them from experiencing failure, we risk preventing them from developing the very skills they need to succeed in life. Resilience and perseverance aren’t built by avoiding difficulties; they’re built by facing them head-on and learning to navigate them. In fact, manageable struggles—those that are within their capability to overcome with a little guidance—are essential to developing grit.

For instance, a child who struggles with reading might find it frustrating to read aloud in class. The instinct might be to spare them this challenge by having them read in a quieter, more controlled environment or even avoiding the task altogether. But in doing so, we miss an opportunity to help them practice perseverance. Allowing them to experience the discomfort of a challenging situation, with the support of knowing they can take breaks or seek help if needed, teaches them how to push through discomfort and build their confidence in their own abilities.

Balancing Support and Independence

So, how can parents provide the right kind of support to foster perseverance, without crossing the line into overprotectiveness? The key is balance. Here are a few strategies to help guide your approach:

• Encourage Small Wins: It’s important to celebrate small successes, even if they seem insignificant. For neurodivergent children, accomplishing a task or sticking with something for a set period of time can be a monumental achievement. Recognizing and celebrating these wins can help build a foundation of confidence and motivation. When a child sees that their efforts lead to positive results, it encourages them to continue trying.

• Set Realistic Expectations: Be mindful of the tasks you set for your child. While it’s important to challenge them, the challenge must be manageable. Setting expectations that are too high can lead to frustration and a sense of defeat. Breaking tasks into smaller, more achievable goals can help them build perseverance step-by-step. For example, a child with ADHD might find it difficult to stay on task for a full hour, but breaking that task into smaller chunks and rewarding progress along the way can help them gradually build endurance.
• Provide Supportive Tools: Make sure your child has the tools and strategies they need to succeed. For neurodivergent children, tools such as planners, timers, or organizational systems can be game-changers. These tools help break down the process and make tasks more manageable. It’s not about doing the work for them, but providing the structure that helps them stay on track and focus their energy on persevering through challenges.
• Model Resilience: As a parent, you are your child’s first role model. Demonstrating resilience in your own life can inspire your child to do the same. Talk about your own challenges, how you’ve worked through them, and the importance of not giving up, even when things feel hard. By seeing you handle adversity, your child will internalize the value of perseverance.
• Allow for Reflection: After a challenging experience, take time to reflect together. What went well? What didn’t? What could they try differently next time? This reflection not only helps them learn from the experience but also teaches them that failure is not an end, but a stepping stone to success.

Conclusion

Helping neurodivergent children build endurance and perseverance is a delicate balancing act. While our instinct may be to protect them from failure, it's through experiencing manageable struggles and learning to overcome them that they develop resilience. By providing the right level of support, setting achievable goals, and encouraging reflection, we can help our children develop the perseverance they need to succeed—both in school and in life. With time and practice, they will learn to embrace challenges, understanding that each struggle is an opportunity to grow.