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What is Masking?
Masking happens when a child hides their true feelings or behaviors to fit in, avoid embarrassment, or avoid being misunderstood. For neurodivergent children, particularly those with ADHD or other learning differences, masking is an unconscious habit developed out of fear of rejection or judgment. They may feel compelled to act "normal" or conform to societal expectations, all the while concealing the struggles they face on a daily basis.
Children often mask because they fear negative reactions from peers, teachers, or even their parents. Masking can become such a natural habit that they may not even be aware they're doing it, making it challenging for both the child and those around them to identify the underlying issues.
Here are some key signs that your child may be masking:
1. The Pursuit of Perfection: Children who mask often feel that being flawless is the only way to be accepted. If your child sets excessively high standards for themselves or becomes upset when they fall short, it could indicate they are trying to mask their ADHD or learning differences. The pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming, causing them to invest significant time and energy into hiding what they perceive as flaws.
For instance, a child might spend hours rewriting an assignment, not because they enjoy the process, but because they are afraid their teacher or classmates will see their mistakes as a reflection of their intelligence. This drive for perfection is less about achieving success and more about avoiding shame.
2. Anxiety - The Silent Struggle: Masking requires a lot of mental energy. Over time, this can result in chronic anxiety, particularly in situations where your child feels they might be "exposed." Watch for signs of heightened anxiety, such as excessive worry, stomachaches, difficulty sleeping, or a sudden reluctance to participate in activities they once enjoyed.
Anxiety often comes from the fear of being judged or ridiculed for their struggles. Children who are masking may obsess over how others perceive them, which further perpetuates the cycle of hiding their true feelings and needs.
3. Reluctance to Admit Mistakes: A child who is masking may go to great lengths to avoid admitting mistakes. They might tell small lies about schoolwork or avoid situations where they feel they might be "found out." The reluctance to admit mistakes stems from a deep fear of being seen as inadequate.
In these cases, mistakes aren't just mistakes—they feel like proof of failure. This can lead children to hide their errors, even when doing so makes life more difficult. For example, a child might pretend they understood an assignment when they didn’t, only to struggle in silence later.
4. Overly Compliant Behavior: Another sign of masking can be a child who seems overly compliant or “too good.” While it may seem like a dream to have a child who doesn’t argue or misbehave, extreme compliance can be a red flag. Your child may be going along with everything asked of them not because they are genuinely content, but because they are hiding their discomfort or fear of disappointing others.
Children who are masking often prioritize others’ expectations over their own needs, and this can manifest as always saying "yes" and avoiding situations that might expose their struggles. A compliant child may internalize their struggles, leading to a feeling of isolation, and sometimes, these bottled-up emotions eventually lead to burnout or emotional outbursts.
Understanding Why Children Mask
Masking is not about deception or trying to fool anyone; it’s a survival strategy. Neurodivergent children may fear being misunderstood or judged as lazy, disobedient, or unmotivated. They may have heard comments that made them feel different, inadequate, or broken, leading them to hide the parts of themselves that make them feel vulnerable.
Many neurodivergent children are acutely aware of their differences, and in a society that prizes conformity, they may believe that masking is the only way to avoid rejection. This can become an unconscious habit, where children aren't intentionally choosing to mask but rather doing so out of an ingrained fear of failure, judgment, or shame.
What Parents Can Do
Parents play a vital role in helping their children break the cycle of masking. The first step is awareness—recognizing that what looks like perfectionism, anxiety, or compliance may be a child’s attempt to cover up their struggles. Rather than focusing on behavior at face value, dig deeper. Ask open-ended questions about how your child feels and be patient if they’re not immediately ready to share.
Fostering an environment of emotional safety is key. Reassure your child that making mistakes is part of learning and that their worth isn't tied to being perfect. Encourage them to embrace their uniqueness and help them understand that their differences are strengths, not weaknesses.
Remember, masking is a deeply ingrained response that takes time to unlearn. By showing compassion, offering support, and giving your child the space to be themselves, you can help them feel safe enough to let their mask down.
Conclusion: The Gift of Being Real
Recognizing when your child is masking and creating an environment where they feel accepted as they are is a transformative gift. By offering understanding and support, you not only help your child feel more comfortable in their own skin but also empower them to embrace their neurodivergent strengths with confidence. Letting go of the mask allows your child to truly thrive, both at home and in the world.